Beauty Matters

"Sit with me and tell me once again
Of the story that's been told us
Of the power that will hold us
Of the beauty, of the beauty
Why it matters

Speak to me until I understand
Why our thinking and creating
Why our efforts of narrating
About the beauty, of the beauty
And why it matters

Like the statue in the park
Of this war torn town
And it's protest of the darkness
And the chaos all around
With its beauty, how it matters
How it matters

Show me the love that never fails
The compassion and attention
Midst confusion and dissention
Like small ramparts for the soul
How it matters

Like a single cup of water
How it matters"

-Sara Groves, "How It Matters"

This I have learned. It is entirely possible to find beauty when you don't feel like it, or when nothing around you seems to be beautiful on it's own. The fact that I have woken up in the morning and the first thing that happens is a tear rolls down my cheek can mean two things. 1. This is the end of all happiness, and I should just relinquish myself to being hurt. 2. The tear was beautiful. Not because it felt good, but because it was telling of change occurring in my heart. 

Some random monk once said, (I don't normally quote monks so try not to be too impressed with my intellect) that we should embrace moments of loneliness fully, because in that moment of pain our hearts are softened towards God in a way they would never be otherwise. 

I think that is very true. I didn't want to see the beauty of anything God was breaking in my heart this last month. But I got to a point that felt as if holding onto what I wanted was hot, and would literally burn the inside of my hands if I did not loosen my grip. It hurt so much less when I opened them. 

I have not written in a long time. Partly because my summer has been full to bursting and there was not time to sleep much less pontificate. Secondly, if I wrote, it would expose things in my heart I wasn't ready to deal with yet. I think we all know why I chose to keep quiet. Selfish. Ouch. 

But I'm writing now! Good. 

Things in my intimacy with God, and identity plunged low this summer. Because of the way I feel things deeply it often requires God to do something to get my attention that hurts deeply. 

It was the kind of thing where you get caught up in a whirlwind of self and when you stop spinning for a second you realize you tore the flowers around you right out of the ground, and completely missed the rain every time it fell. 

I stopped spinning, don't worry. God is so sweetly good. He is good in a way I never supposed good to be. My good, is His glory, which in all reality means that my good is not what i want. My good doesn't feel good. That's so strange, but true. God took things away that I thought I could not do without. He showed me my own brokenness deep behind layers I did not know existed, and He showed me that He is both good and dangerous at the same time. 

Funny how you walk into ministry thinking of how YOU will impact others, and then walk out in pieces yourself. 

This is what I really want to talk about...

Beauty matters. 

There is a piece of our soul that longs to be shown something beautiful. The word means different things to all of us, but regardless, we go to such great lengths to experience a little of it. That's because God hides there. Most things we long for are connected to the heart of God, and we have just pinned that desire onto something else. 

Flowers on the mantle 

An organized list of things to accomplish

Tears

Homemade macaroni and cheese

Macaroni and cheese out of a box

Blue eyes

Someone finding out what they are good at

Dirty hands that need to be washed

A child

Rosy morning light

They all have a place in our lives, not because they heal a wound, but because God uses them up against scary, hurtful, dark things to show us he is never NOT good. Just good in a way we don't always understand, or even in a way that needs to be sought after. 

My expectations for the "hope and future" God promises me have fallen by the wayside. My definition of beauty has changed. But they both still matter. I pray that God continues to line my heart up with His.

Please go seek out beauty in your day, and in the seeking, hopefully you will find the treasure of where your heart truly lies.